CALL ME PARANOID OR WHATEVER I DUNNO EVERY FREAKING THINGS SEEM ANNOYING NOW. I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE WHO READS THIS I AM GOING TO TYPE EVERY SINGLE THING WHICH IS ON MY MIND NOW AND ALL THIS WHILE I HAVE NO GUTS TO EVEN HINT ON IT.
IF I AM NOT IMPORTANT JUST DON'T WRITE ME ANY PART AND ASK ME TO PLAY. IF YOU THINK I'M NOT THAT GOOD IN PLAYING AND SO I SHOULDN'T PLAY IMPORTANT PARTS DON'T IN THE FIRST PLACE WRITE ME SOMETHING. MAYBE YOU THINK IF YOU DON'T WRITE ME A PART I'LL FEEL OFFENDED AND DISAPPOINTED BUT NOW I GET TO PLAY SUCH AN UNIMPORTANT AND UNWANTED AND EXTRA ROLE IT ONLY MADE ME FEEL WORSE. IF I AM NOT NEEDED IN THAT SHOW, JUST TELL. I MAY NOT FEEL HAPPY BUT AT LEAST IT'LL BE BETTER THAN PLAYING A ROLE NOBODY WANTS AND CARES AND MAKE ME FEEL SO DESPERATE TO BE PART OF THE TEAM. I FUCKING AM NOT DESPERATE. IF I WANNA SHOW WHO I AM I DON'T NEED TO DEPEND ON PPL. I DON'T FUCKING NEED TO EVEN SHOW PPL WHO I AM COS I PLAY FOR MY OWN INTEREST. NOT SUCK UP TO SOME FUCKING ASSHOLES AND JERKS AND KISS THEIR ASSES JUST TO BE KNOWN AND BE PROMOTED. I KNOW. THIS IS LIFE RIGHT. EVERY ONE IS KIASU. EVERYONE STEPS ON OTHERS JUST TO BE WELL KNOWN AND GET GOOD GRADES.
IF YESTERDAY I WASN'T CALLED IN URGENTLY I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO DRIVE ON THAT HIGHWAY AT THAT TIME. I WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT STUPID ACCIDENT AND HAD THE BUMPER BANGED. I WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN YELLED AND PROVEN THAT MY DAD IS SUCH A BIASED PERSON. I WOULDN'T HAVE QUESTIONED WHY MY BROTHER DAMAGED THE CAR MORE SEVERE THAN I DID BUT HE DID NOT GET THE SCOLDING AND INSTEAD I AM THE ONE GETTING IT. I WOULDN'T HAVE TO GO THROUGH THE PAIN OF WONDERING WHY ALL THIS IS HAPPENING.
ASK ME GO SO EARLY I DIDN'T EVEN MANAGE TO PACK MY THINGS UP, AND ALL I DID WAS SAT THERE AND DIDN'T EVEN RUN THROUGH THE THINGS PROPERLY AT ALL. UNTIL WHEN IT WAS TIME TO DO IT I HAD TO LEAVE FOR WORK. YEAH ALLLLLLL THAT WAITING AND DOING NOTHING FOR THE PRICE OF BANGING THE FREAKING BUMPER AND GET SCOLDED.
AND THE BUMPER JUST SLIGHTLY DISLOCATED IT WASN'T EVEN A FUCKING BIG DEAL AND I GET SCOLDED. WHEN MY BROTHER BANGED A CAR THE BUMPER CAME OFF AND THE FRONT LIGHT BROKE, NO NEED TO SCOLD. FUCK OFF LAH.
I WASN'T EVEN THE ONE WHO WENT TO TARC, FORM 6 AND KBU IN ONE YEAR JUST BECAUSE OF SOME GIRLFRIEND PROBLEM. I WAS THE ONE WHO FREAKING DID WHAT THEY WANT ME TO.
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I CALL AND ASKED HIM IF HE WAS FREE. AND I WAS ALREADY CRYING. AND HE DIDN'T FREAKING KNOW IT. I SAID NOTHING AND HUNG UP HOPING HE'LL CALL BACK BUT HE DIDNT. INSTEAD HE SENT AN SMS ASKING ME IF I NEED SOMEONE TO TALK TO HE'S ALL EARS AND HE'LL CALL ME, ASKING ME IF I WANT HIM TO.
WTF ISN'T IT FUCKING OBVIOUS I WANTED HIM TO CALL ME AND LISTEN TO ME? OR MAYBE I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY I JUST WANTED A COMPANY ON THE PHONE?
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FUCK EVERYTHING AROUND ME LAH MAYBE I SHOULDN'T HAVE EXISTED AT ALL. IF I HAVEN'T EXISTED HIS STUPID CAR'S BUMPER WILL NOT HAVE BEEN BANGED. HE DON'T HAVE TO PAY AN EXTRA SCHOOL/UNI FEES.
IF I HAVEN'T EXISTED NOBODY WILL HAVE THE DILEMMA OF WRITING ME A PART FOR SOMETHING JUST IN CASE I ASKED. NOBODY WILL HAVE TO WRITE ME ANY PARTS COS SCARED I NOT HAPPY. NOBODY WILL HAVE TO CARE ABOUT THIS PERSON LIKE ME WHO COULND'T PLAY THAT WELL AND CAN'T MANAGE THINGS PROPERLY. NOBODY WILL HAVE TO CARE ABOUT THIS NOBODY LIKE ME.
IF I HAVEN'T EXISTED NOBODY WILL HAVE TO WORRY WHETHER I HAVE SOMETHING TO TELL HIM OR NOT. NOBODY WILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT WASTING SOME CREDITS JUST TO CALL ME BUT I REFUSE TO PICK UP. NOBODY WILL HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A SINGLE THING AT ALL.
first the fucking insensitive mother. now come that cibai father.
i know i shouldn't be saying this, i'm on the run to pack my things practice violin go bank to cash out money to buy my bow and drive to uni to have classes but i am so fucken frustrated i have to blog about this.
let me first state here that the reason i blog is because i wanna rant and i want my readers to rant WITH ME but not disagree with me. why? isn't it obvious everytime someone talks about how angry and sad they are they want their listeners to share the pain with them? that's how things works. so for now, don't try to tell me i'm wrong in whatever sort.
the other day my brother just banged someone's car and finally dad sent the sentra to be fixed cos the front bumper has been banged too many times i think some screws came off and it kinda dislocated already. also, he asked the mechanic to fix every other details like paint back old scratches and knock back old dents. oh even one of the front lights was broken. the total came up to around 300++.
yesterday i don't know what happened, i was on the highway stucked in the jam and in the rain. something happened and i didn't manage to stop my car on time, plus the slippery tar road i skidded and hit the car in front (another sentra, new version) lightly. why i said lightly is because his car has no damage and commonly, it would be the car which knock the other car that'll get the damage. so yeah.
my sentra's bumper dislocated a little again. cos previously it was already quite damaged but they used back the same bumper knock and screw wherever and lock it in place again so now that i banged on it, it came off easily.
here comes the most interesting part: when my brother knocked the car, my dad said no word about it, sent it to repair, didn't even ask him to pay a cent. ok maybe he did said something to my brother but not in any raised voice tone.
this morning i was still sleeping when my grandma asked me to answer the phone. yes it was my father. he asked me what happened to the bumper and i honestly told him what happened cos there was no way to lie my father is a very smart person. and he scolded me. as in scream and yell, you name it. and he even said he won't care i should go settle it myself.
through out the conversation... wait there's not even a conversation. right after i told him i banged something and caused that to the bumper he started all this yelling shit and i kept quiet all the while, and he hung up right after throwing tantrums on me.
i am too frustrated of even writing how i feel now but the question is, how would you feel if you're in my shoes?
1. i was planning to buy a violin bow and my tutor's been recommending me a few. and i was contemplating whether to buy the 1700 one or 1500 one. either ways i have bigger contemplator which is to break the news to my dad cos he's the one that'll pay for goodness sake. one day when i was really broke i went up to him to claim the money for some books i bought weeks ago to do my thesis and it was around 200. and he sounded me for it. not gonna quote what he said but it was enough to crash my plan to ask him for the money to buy a bow. 200 also nag already 1000++ can die lor. so i plan to get it myself and wait till my 21st birthday then i'll claim the money from him, "i bought a bow 1700, you just give me that sum can oledi". not too much to ask for right? 21st birthday is supposed to be the 'big' birthday where i have the liberty to get 'big' presents right? riiiiiight?
2. just now i went into the car and i smelt something really horrible. it was the car perfume i think dad just bought. on the way back from uni i took off the car perfume cos it really stinks so when i almost reach home i intended to put that thing back to the aircon then dunno what happened i must have flipped the perfume or what, the liquid poured out omfg! and my left hand was drenched with that stupid stinking oil. so i put my hand in front of the aircon in hopes that it'll dry out cos perfume will evaporate one right? who knows i think i must have poured A LOT it didn't manage to dry out. i came home, quickly wash my hand but the stench stays and now my left hand smells like some cheap cologne -_____- |||
3. my boyfriend just signed me up to facebook for me. so cute! yeah which means i now only got my hands on facebook am i outdated or what?
oh yeah i remember i'm tagged shenyang and lydia, i'll do them later kays promise.
no i'm not satisfied yet if something happens while i blog i REALLY will stab something. maybe my sister's pillow. or my mom's lv bag HAHAHHA wtf.
anyway, what happened was i was blogging halfway then when i opened a new tab suddenly the screen blanked and it couldn't respond anymore macibai. luckily i was only 25% through my entry. yesterday photobucket was such a motherfucker i couldn't upload anything at all. and then and then i was uploading a video in youtube it was 95% done when my stupid brother went and accidentally moved the lan cable and i was disconnected. why lah i have to suffer from these series of unfortunate events and couldn't even post one bloody entry.
was at the loft on wednesday. maaaaaaaaaach better than maison i would say. didn't have to queue, didn't even check our ids. we even got complimentary drinks cos it was ladies' night. their ladies' night not like maison so packed you can be squezed till you become a pancake i'm serious. and maison don't even give complimentary drinks stupid cheapskate club dunno what kinda ladies' night they have. and the crowd in the loft wasn't made of cinapeks and cinabengs and underaged lalas and whatnots.
michelle (adelle's sis) stupidredfacedgirl adelle @ the loft 17.10.2007
after party @ asian heritage row
i must have blinked during that flash
confirm i blinked my eyes not so slitty one ok
exhausted faces
we went to newtown for supper and after that continued taking pictures in the car and urm, u might wanna skip this cos they are all moronic.
i officially hate flash now
*died laughing
i fucking hate my haircut in all the pictures. it's gross. ugh.
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was having rehearsel in uni's bandroom as in a few of us only without any lecturers. so i had the liberty to... PLAY WITH THE CELLO!
i have always wanted to learn to play cello but no time lah. so for the first time cat and i took the cello out and... started playing.
haha got the look hor but aiyak my bow was at the wrong position
eh i really could play a tune one don't believe watch this video.
and then we started experimenting and cat came up with a very brilliant way of playing the cello.
looks fucken stupid riiiiiight!
wtf =P
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went home and camwhored a little.
trying out the lansi face with such "un-lansi" hair
trying to see whether my hair has grown or not since the trim
wanna show off my star earrings nice onot!
was camwhoring when i noticed something...
that mark on my neck. looks like *karikai right? when i play violin too much that's what happens. i've seen even worse marks on other violinists o.O'' (*curry chicken aka hickey)
oh my god why i'm such a lala lah
ownself camwhore damn sien so i dragged my sister along. as in really drag her, not literally.
i don't know why things are getting so fucken annoying lately.
yesterday i was stucked to my laptop the whole day, by evening my mom came into my room and asked me whether i've bathed or not. me, being such an honest daughter that moment (only?) told her no and she started yelling and screaming to the whole house. not once, not twice, not even thrice but repetitively kept yelling to every single soul in the house yada yada yada.
ok lah fine i let her be a mad dog for that few minutes cos i knew she's about to go out and i will regain my moments of zen wtf in a few minutes time until she said something which hurt me. something she and dad LOVES making fun of. something they said before which made my heart shattered and ran away from home for a week. she said,
" no wonder your face is like that. dai sei one (meaning, you deserve it) "
why oh why i have such a mother. that moment she spoke those hurtful words the only thing which hit my mind was I HATE HER.
i fucking hate this woman who carried me in her womb for 9 months and 20 years and 10 months ago, brought me into this world, breast fed me, nurtured me, whipped me when i wasn't asleep late at night, ground me when she found out i do things i shouldn't do and whatnots.
i ALSO hate this woman who said i deserve to have pimples on my face.
what the fuck with all that yelling when i did not bath? just one day hello? it is not that i won't bath forever? even so, why yell? what's the fucking big deal? i will bath when i feel like bathing. does me not bathing has anything to do with her life? does me not bathing do any harm to anyone, particularly her?
what the fuck??? it doesn't make any senses at all. fucking bullshit.
and then there's one time she gave me this facial trial kit which she claimed to be very expensive and i should try using it. i just started to use my clinique facial care set for about 2 weeks and my skin was already getting better i really didn't wanna interrupt the regime, so i kept her 'expensive trial kit' aside until she asked me whether i've been using it or not. i said i'll use it later when i finish my clinique ones and she started nagging me again. mind you when she nags, she raises her voice so it's impossible not to feel offended. and she even said i should stop using my other skincare cos they're NOT GOOD and use hers.
FINE.
i use her bloody 'expensive trial kit' for a week or 2 and i found that it doesn't really work and it only made my skin worse. so i stopped, and continued with my clinique.
yesterday she asked me whether i've been using her 'expensive trial kit' or not and i lied to her saying yes just to avoid the unnecessary nagging. then she asked how was it. again, being honest, i told her it didn't really work and my skin got worse. i didn't want her to waste that kinda money buying things which is not suitable only and you know what she fucking said?
" it's not that thing not good, it's you who didn't wanna take care of your skin properly only yada yada yada... "
seriously, if she thinks her things are so expensive and that i should say good stuffs about it after using it, i would rather she didn't buy me anything at all. i am very happy using those clinique stuffs which weren't cheap also and i bought it with my own hard-earned money. why must pull the trigger and start that whole sensitive issue again! what kind of mother does that please enlighten me someone.
and now she just got back from work and she has a very black face for don't know what reason and when i looked at her she gave me that "wtf i'm so sick of you" look.
sigh i really don't know what to make of this kinda mother lah.
